Gorn Interview

After my previous posting on the Gorn (See “A Star Trek Quiz”), I thought I might mention that I actually got to meet the captain of the Gorn starship involved in that nasty mixup over Cestus III. He has long since retired from active duty in the Gorn Alliance and now works as a carpenter in Las Vegas, Nevada. Although he misses the excitement of patrolling Gorn space, he claims that as a Union Carpenter he is actually making much more money and has far better benefits. His main complaint is with the influx of illegal aliens (Such as Andorians, Klingons, Cardassians and the like) who are willing to work for much less and are thus stealing jobs. He is proud to show off his green card (What other color card would a Gorn have anyway?) to prove that he is here legally.

After immigrating to earth he found a job taking orders at a fast-food drive through window. His lack of skill in speaking English at that time made him exceptionally well-suited for the work. A typical order would go something like this:

Gorn: “HARRGGH-ESSssssssssssss YarrrrrrGEEESssssssss Rarrrrrr”

Customer: “Yes, and could I have fries with that?”

Gorn: “RARrrrrgeesssSSSsssss”

Unfortunately he was eventually able to master Basic English skills and was subsequently fired.

When I met him in Las Vegas, I had a chance to conduct a brief interview with him while he was on a break from work:


Me: “So, do you and Captain Kirk stay in touch?”

Gorn: “Oh yes. I wouldn’t say we were the best of friends (He did try to kill me, you know) but we do send cards to one another on all the major holidays and such. As a joke I once had one of the diamonds he fired at me through his cannon mounted on a setting and sent to him for his birthday. I see him wearing it every time he comes to town here to get married again.”

Me: “You looked taller on TV.”

Gorn: “EVERYone says that! TV does that to you. I think it made my thighs look fat too.”

Me: “Is that a weapon you’re carrying?”

Gorn: “Oh heavens, not at all! This was Marlon Brando's toothpick. We’re moving it to a new display we’re building at the wax museum on the Strip. Do you know they had to melt down 13,000 candles just to make his upper body? That’s a bit of Vegas trivia for you.”

Me: “Can you recommend a good restaurant in town?”

Gorn: “You’re kidding, right? Vegas is FULL of great places to eat. I personally like Petco for their wonderful selection of small mammals. They also make a tasty mealworm dessert that’s to DIE for!”

All-in-all, I found the Gorn ex-captain, turned Union Carpenter a very nice fellow. We had to cut our interview short because he had to deliver that toothpick. Too bad. I wanted to ask him why, when he and Captain Kirk were grappling in close combat on Cestus III, he didn’t simply bite him with those giant teeth and get it over with. Oh well, I imagine he probably gets asked THAT question all the time too…